Would you dare call a meeting? ...

If you want to waste time, call a meeting. If you are desperate to waste even more time form a committee. Probably two of the most unproductive processes ever created by organisations in the pursuit of administration.

Don’t get me wrong - I don’t actually dislike meetings … I hate them as often they turn into a time wasting affair where the greatest generator of hot air successfully consumes the greatest amount of time.

Then some I hear saying - I recall you calling a meeting for X? Indeed and how often do I call meetings - as seldom as possible and normally to get a load of crap out of the way. With all of this in mind, I have decided that we should have some principles by anyone dense enough to want a meeting:
  1. If you call a face-to-face meeting, your department/organisation should foot the bill - to the tune of £1.00 per minute of the meeting per person attending. If it's online, a conference call or something inanely similar - the rate drops to £0.99 as you are in all likelihood still going to waste my time.
  2. Ok - now that you have understood point 1, do not call the meeting if it is:
    1. To enable you, are you looking to get permission?
    2. An opportunity for you to wave your little bits at us, as we are not interested.
    3. Fulfil a process that could have been as easily accomplished in a dark cupboard
    4. To give notices, that is what toilet walls are for.
    5. To get reports from everyone - see point 4, this works both ways
  3. If you really must do it, you are definitely committed to having a meeting. You must:
    1. Stick to the agenda
    2. Avoid the any other business as that shows bad planning by others and lets the village/department idiot have their say regarding the graffiti in the toilets
  4. Timeout rules must be applied - ideally ten minutes before the end of the meeting someone should ring a little bell. At five minutes - a bull horn. At zero, the organiser of the meeting should punch whoever is talking - if it is themselves, everyone else is entitled to give them a single slap (I know this is wishful thinking, but nice nonetheless)

Now you have seen this - would you like to meet and discuss what I have shared?

Credit has to go to @Catherine_C for prompting this train of thought.

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